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Illustration by Jerry
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Cold war raging in the Adirondacks
And your ego is at stake
By Paul Quennell
Nighttime arctic chill is one of the hazards
of winter life in the Adirondacks, but if your building is tight
and your firewood is dry, you might survive. Less certain is how
well you will fare the next morning when you visit your local emporium
to buy a newspaper and are drawn into a conversation about How Cold
Was It Last Night?
It would be naïve to think that such conversations are intended
to be friendly. They are contests, with clear-cut winners and losers,
fought by Cold Warriors. The winner is the one who reports the lowest
temperature. Ironically, it is the loser who usually has the last
word, “Uh,” universally construed as an acknowledgment
of defeat.
The following suggestions are intended to help you play the game.
You will be engaging with professionals, but do not fear. Study
their techniques (mostly cheap tricks) and learn not only how to
defend yourself, but also to strike back and win.
The Trap
This is by far the most popular tactic in use to-day. It is easy
and obvious. But unless you are really on your guard, it will be
successfully used against you again and again. The conversation
between you and your opponent goes something like this:
You: “Boy, it sure got cold last night.”
Opp.: “Yeah, lots of people been saying that. How cold was
it at your place?”
You: “Oh, it hit about 32 below.”
Opp.: “We had 37 below here!”
You: “Uh.”
As you can see, The Trap is maddeningly simple. Of course, your
first mistake was bringing up the subject of the weather, but the
chances are good that if you hadn’t, your opponent would have.
The key is this: He who goes first loses. Once you have committed
yourself, the opponent simply undercuts you. He is lying, of course,
and probably you are too, but that doesn’t matter. Only winning
matters, and you cannot possibly win once you have fallen into The
Trap.
There are two proven ways to defend against The Trap. In reply to
the “how cold” question you can say:
1) “I don’t know.” This dull response at least
gets you off the hook. However, it will also brand you as a noncombatant,
a party-pooper and a wimp. Not for everyone, but if that’s
really the way you are, that’s OK.
2) “Oh, it was about minus 20 centigrade.” Is this a
killer or what? Try not to smirk as your opponent’s eyes glaze
over. Finally, he will recover, and then one of two things will
happen: (a) With a shrug he will signal that you are to be dismissed
as a weirdo; or (b) he will plunge ahead, making the fatal blunder
of going first: “Well, it hit 37 below here.” Now you
have him. You say, “Yeah, you must mean Fahrenheit. Twenty
below centigrade is about 40 below Fahrenheit.” This is false,
but so what?
Caveat: Never undercut by more than two or three degrees if you
want to maintain some sense of credibility.
The Preemptive Strike
Before the advent of The Trap, the Preemptive Strike was the dominant
tactic used by Adirondackers, and it is still popular today in some
of the more remote communities. Here is a sample:
You: “Sure was a cold one last night.”
Opp.: “45 below here.”
You” “Uh.”
Now, you and your opponent know for a fact it was only about 20
below, but your opponent’s wild exaggeration has thwarted
the possibility of any meaningful response. The contest is over
before it started, and you have lost.
Be patient. The next time it will be your turn.
You: “My God, it was 60 below at my place this morning! I
don’t know how my thermometer can stand it!”
Opp.: “Uh.”
If the opponent is worthy, he will even smile a tacit acknowledgment
of your rightful place in the circle of Cold Warriors. Beware, however,
that overuse of the Preemptive Strike can cause serious credibility
problems.
The Wind-Chill Ploy
This can be a devastating tactic if used properly. Just what is
“wind-chill,” anyway? In reality, it’s not something
you can measure, even though weatherpersons would have you believe
otherwise. It’s just something you feel if the wind is blowing.
It makes you feel a heck of a lot colder, for some reason.
“Feel” is the operative word here. A thermometer, like
some people I know, does not have feelings. Even though you may
have paid good money for it, a thermometer will steadfastly refuse
to tell you anything about wind-chill. This is exactly what makes
the Wind-Chill Ploy so useful: The absence of fact leaves a lot
of room to maneuver:
You: “Boy, here it is April 24th, and it was 15 below at my
place this morning.”
Opp.: “Well, it was 5 above here, but with the wind-chill
it was actually 25 below.”
You: “Funny, I didn’t notice any wind.”
Opp.: “It was blowing like hell here for a while. Guess it’s
stopped now, though.”
You: “Uh.”
What went wrong? You attempted a Preemptive Strike with the outrageous
claim of 15 below in late April, but your opponent struck back with
a clever use of the Wind-Chill Ploy. Your clumsy attempt to fend
him off by saying you hadn’t noticed any wind was easily neutralized.
It would have been better if you had said nothing at all.
When confronting someone likely to use the Wind-Chill Ploy, it is
best to assume a noncommittal posture. Initiate the conversation
with questions about the wind—did he notice it blowing last
night, where from, how strong, etc. Then tell him how fortunate
he was to escape the mini-hurricane that blew through your place,
ripping up trees, tearing off roofs, etc. If you do this properly,
the chances are very good that the subject of temperature will not
even come up.
The Instrumentation Innuendo
I have heard idealists say that most of this temperature one-upmanship
would quickly end if only we all had accurate thermometers. They
rightly point out that the typical mercury thermometer is of questionable
accuracy. (If you wonder about this, look at the different temperature
readings on a hardware store display rack of thermometers.) As for
the large aneroid disk thermometer that you nail to a tree 50 yards
from your kitchen window, accuracy is a big joke. But even if everybody
owned thermometers certified by the National Bureau of Standards,
they would still lie about how cold it was last night.
The typical Adirondack Cold Warrior is at least dimly aware that
his thermometer might not offer precise information, so he invariably
compensates by adjusting the actual winter temperature readings
downward a few degrees. This makes him an easy target for the Instrumentation
Innuendo:
You: “Guess I’ll put up the storm windows today. We
hit 9.62 degrees last night.”
Opp.: “Wasn’t that something though? We had 7 here.”
You: “Yeah, that’s what my old thermometer said, too,
but on my new Gesellschaft Mark VII recording thermometer with the
phase-locked-loop dingus, I got 9.62 degrees. This gizmo is accurate
to 1/100th of a degree, guaranteed. Set me back $500.”
Opp.: “Uh.”
Your unsuspecting opponent was successfully decoyed by your opening
claim and, thinking that you had fallen into The Trap, quickly proffered
a sleazy undercut. You then crushed him with the Instrumentation
Innu-endo, which he richly deserved. He is not likely to mess with
you again.
Although it is a formidable weapon, if someone uses the Instrumentation
Innuendo against you, you might at least be able to cut your losses
with a rear-guard action. For example, flatter him by asking numerous
questions about his Mark VII. His small lie will have to grow into
a big one and he will become increasingly uncomfortable. Then ask
if he could show it to you someday. He will bother you no more.
Summary
Unless you have a really poor self-image and do not mind being trod
upon, study these tactics carefully. Practice by role playing with
your spouse or other confidant. Hone your skills and go out and
win a few. Your ability to survive the long, cold Adirondack winter
with some sense of self-worth may depend on it.
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